Slash Bros
by XxDarkSarcasm1010xX
Summary: Cartman has a problem controlling his sexual urges and decides to go to Kyle for help. One shot.


A/N: This is a challenge fic from the lovely EbbyGothic. A Kyman friendship one shot… Brace yourselves for this one, people. Seriously. I don't own South Park.

* * *

Slash Brothers

It had been an almost ordinary day at South Park Elementary for Kyle Broflovski, except for _one_ thing. Class had been painfully slow, lunch wasn't that great as usual, and another pile of homework had been assigned for this week, but that was the norm. There was also a new kid who had just enrolled in the shitty school, some boy who was apparently as rich as Token, but that didn't interest Kyle in the slightest.

What was weird was the fact that Cartman was standing beside Kyle's locker, a look of apprehension on his chubby face.

Ignoring the pair of dark brown eyes following his every movement, Kyle went on with his regular end of the school day routine. Throwing open his locker he grabbed his books and tried to pretend he wasn't being watched. He almost convinced himself Cartman wasn't there until the boy opened his mouth.

"Kahl, I need your help."

Kyle slammed his locker shut and glared at Cartman, not believing him in the slightest.

"You, Eric Cartman, the resident fatass, want my help?" Kyle said skeptically, cocking his head to the side.

"That's what I just said, Jew."

Kyle crossed his arms and stared blankly at his so called friend. "This better not involve cross dressing, humiliating Wendy, finding hippies to exterminate, performing sexual acts with Butters, having a gay-off with Craig, doing any of your projects for you, or fraud of any kind."

Cartman seethed, opening his mouth to retort before Kyle fluently cut him off.

"And so help me Abraham, Cartman, if you're here asking me for money you can just turn right back around and go straight home."

"I don't need your goddamn money! Fuck, I actually have a problem that I need your help with. This is why I don't come to you with my problems, Kahl! You don't even give me a chance to speak before your spitting out all the things you think I'm going to ask you. I thought I could come to you this one time, thinking maybe this could be the moment that helped us become better friends, but I guess I was wrong. Whatever, I should've known this wouldn't have worked."

Cartman crossed his arms and looked away in dejection, with a genuine look of hurt crossing his features. Kyle frowned, before biting his tongue at Cartman's words.

"Damnit…Fine Cartman, you're right. I guess I'm sorry for not hearing you out first," Kyle sighed, hesitantly placing a hand on Cartman's shoulder, "I shouldn't have said those things, it's just hard not knowing if you have some kind of plan up your sleeve, because you usually do, but this time you seem genuine so yea, sorry dude."

"Thank you, Jew." Cartman beamed.

"Alright, so what's your problem? I'll try to help as best I can."

Giving a smile, the larger boy grabbed Kyle's hand in his own, "You don't know how much this mean's to me Kahl! Alright, so it all started this morning when I ran into the new kid. I was feeling sweaty, and sick, and yet I was excited too and my heart rate was going really fast."

"Holy shit, are you okay?" Kyle furrowed his brows, "Was there any numbness? You might have to go to the doctor and get yourself checked out."

Cartman released Kyle's hands and tugged at his brown locks, "See that's the thing, I also had this sensation…_down there_…because of the new kid."

"Wait, you came to me just to tell me you have a hard on for the new kid?" Kyle blinked in confusion.

Cartman shook his head, "No, I know I have these feelings for the new kid, but I came to you to ask how to stop them. How can I stop this Kyle? How do you stop yourself from thinking about Stan's tight ass, or his trim chest? I can't get the new kid out of my head, Kahl."

"What the fuck, Cartman!" Kyle shouted, attracting attention from the other kids bustling in the hallway, "I don't think about anyone's ass, especially not Stan's!"

"No, you see I'm right. You supress your butt munching urges to bone Stan every time you see him. You do it so well that even denying it is part of the act. I want you to help me keep it in my pants. Teach me your ways, help me Kahl; help _meh_."

"I don't want to bone Stan! I can't believe I ever considered helping you, you always pull this kind of shit—"

"I'm seriously, Kahl! Everyone knows that you and Stan are fags, and that's why I came for you for assistance. You can stop with the act, I'm a fag too. We're one in the same; you don't have to hide anymore. Just help me control myself around the new kid." Cartman rolled his eyes, exasperated at Kyle's constant denials.

Kyle punched his locker, "I am not a fag! I am not interested in Stan. I am fucking done with this conversation!"

"I mean, the way you're able to keep your hands off Stan during class, and how you never even tempted to sneak in any kisses or public affection at school, I'm really impressed. How do you do it Jew? How do you turn…_this_ off?" Cartman pointed at Kyle's crotch for emphasis.

"Stop pointing at my dick Cartman!" Kyle yelled while walking down the hallway, furious as Cartman followed him.

"Just because I'm gay doesn't mean I want your dick, I respect you and Stan's faggy relationship Kahl, Kahl! You damn Jew get back here and help me suppress my fucking boner! God damnit I thought we were kin! Slash brothers! Your my Kahl Slash-Broflovski!"

Kyle flipped him the finger and exited the school, leaving Cartman standing in the middle of the hallway with a look of shock on his face.

"Well fuck me; that bastard is good. Too good. He didn't even come out of character…" He nodded in approval.

Kenny sauntered up to him, a look of question in his eyes.

"The Jew's one hell of an actor, Kinny, he's even better at hiding his gayness than you."

Kenny blinked in confusion, "Kyle's not gay."

Cartman placed his hands on Kenny's shoulders, his face serious. "That's what the Jew wants you to believe. Sneaky little day walker has everyone fooled."

Kenny rolled his eyes as he broke out of Cartman's grasp, "Cartman, you're an idiot."

"Shut up Kinny, I know you want my dick."


End file.
